kink, intense emotional play, touching on non-con and violation of boundaries, reflections
We had a lot of intense moments while @kitten was visiting - but the one thing that really struck me, and demonstrated my impact on their mind in an almost scary way, wasn't even any kind of play.I had something extremely intense planned for them. Something that hits right into their insecurities, their willingness to trust me, their desire to serve me. I was planing to simulate crossing one of their limits, to create an illusion in their mind that would give them the impression that that's what I'm doing, without actually doing it. I had found the absolute sweet spot of messing with their mind, and I really wanted to press it.
Ultimately, I decided against doing it. Not because I don't want to put them through something like that - we both seek this kind of intensity. No, the reason why I decided against it is because it seemed too likely that doing this might irreversibly change something within them. I was scared that the limit that I wanted to play with would cave in to their desire to obey and please me. The thought of them not freaking out right before I deescalate the situation again (for which I also had pretty detailed intricate plans, because of course I need to offer all I can to help them recover), the thought of them just responding with "Thank you, Miss" seemed very realistic. Too realistic to risk it. I am more than open to playing with these things - but I do not, under no circumstances, want to actually break them. They are someone that I have intense feelings for, someone I admire and value. I do not want to break them or transform them into anything. I've been through something similar, I've lived through the process of all my boundaries crumbling - and I'm glad and thankful for that, my life improved a lot thanks to this - but I don't want to be the person who does that to someone else. It would be preposterous. And, also, it feels too early in what I hope will be a very long-term dynamic.
My plans all hinged on them not exactly knowing what I'm doing, on carefully calculated sensory input that would lead their mind to the conclusions that I wanted. So when I decided to tell them all the details, I also did it to turn my decision into a definite, irreversible no.
I walked them through all my plans, shared all my considerations with them in extensive detail. I told them about my doubts and why I had decided against it. I told them about the ways in which I wanted to press just the right buttons of insecurities and doubts to lead them to where I wanted.
My kitten isn't someone who displays a lot of outward emotions usually. Seeing them starting to cry, even in the safety of kneeling on the floor between my legs and getting cuddled while I told them this, genuinely surprised me - but just the vivd thought of me doing this to them was already enough to make them experience this level of emotional intensity. They were fascinated by how I manage to just play around with their mind so easily and effectively.
I think, in the end, we both agreed that no was the right decision - not because it would have been "too harsh" or anything, but because of the unpredictable long-term risks of play like this. We will probably do something on similar levels of intensity someday - but for now, it's better not to risk it. And I also have to admit that, while I had been aware of my power over them in abstract terms, I had only partially realized it emotionally before I saw them cry just from hearing me tell a story.
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