kink, insecurities on the dominant side
You look into these big eyes looking up to you with the deepest admiration and willingness to submit, those eyes behind which there is an entire mind full of obedience and a desire to serve, a mind deeply influenced by you at this point.And you suddenly ask yourself: who am I to do this? How am I even supposed to know what’s right for us and what isn’t? How can I make sure that this wonderful being on their knees in front of me will never, ever get hurt by me or the things we do together?
And the thing is: even with the most well-meaning and caring submissive, even with someone you love deeply and someone you’re in a happy and healthy relationship with - there is a certain level of intensity of power exchange where it gets hard if not impossible to just rely on each other in assessing these questions. Because of course they will praise and admire me for the way in which I worry about this, and I accept and appreciate that, it’s not wrong of them to do this - but it comes from within everything we do. And there is a point beyond which it’s impossible for us to step completely out of everything - which, on one hand, is what we desire, but on the other hand, makes it incredibly hard to resolve my emotional need for affirmation.
And yes, it’s tempting to double-guess everything they say. To just treat them like they’re biased anyway and can’t independently assess the situation. But that would also imply that they can no longer consent to what we do, and it would be an incredible sign of disrespect and breech of trust. But still, what if I really did get it wrong? What if I really am hurting them without them even noticing? How am I supposed to know all this?
My kitten is an absolutely wonderful being, and I do my best to never fall into the trap of stopping to trust them just because they’re my submissive. They do express concerns even when it’s hard for them, I know that they will keep scrutinizing me. I must never dismiss that, because following that path might ruin everything between us. And yet, I’m incredibly thankful to additionally have someone who understands me, coming from the dominant side of power exchange dynamics. Someone whose values I follow, someone whose struggles and mistakes taught me a lot of what I do today. Someone not directly involved in my dynamic (well, uh, kind of) who I fully trust to tell me when I’m wrong.
I think I can somewhat manage the fear of losing or destroying everything, but on some days, it’s incredibly hard.
1